starfish can turn inside out, critique?
your eyes; your heart
both always the colour of clouds.
which now are grey, orange and (smothering) surrounding me
and
I’m
so
scared-
of insulting your beauty with terribly formed metaphors.
i found instructions on how to write poetry.
“begin with your title”
You were always my title.
I began with you and words flowed afterwards,
Pencil smudged and sewn to my eyelids.
I always
let you drift away
with my dreams.
Falling in love is the worst thing that can happen to a poet,
It eats away my words.
I have clear memories of each of our conversations
and even while you’re talking about serial killers at 5am
You’re edging into my fingertips urging me to spill onto paper.
these words are never supposed to be about you
but they are never any less than that.
it’s all one poem, and thank you.
I like a lot of it.
I would like to see a little more development on the title “Starfish can turn inside out.” I don’t know what that means. Can you link it to the last few lines? Or else add one more explanation somewhere else in the text of the poem? Maybe there is a way to show how the starfish “drift” away in the water where “I always let you drift away in my dreams” is placed.
I think I would add one more topic of conversation in addition to “serial killers at 5 a.m.” that would help balance that section out. Maybe pick a topic that is completely ordinary to show contrast, but which is still the kind of thing someone in love pays 100% attention to, like “even when you talk about the way yogurt cups no longer have plastic lids.”
I am not sure about the line “Pencil smudged and sewn to my eyelids.” For some reason I think of permanent makeup and have no idea what that has to do with the poem.
I sure like your end couplet.
I didn’t check out your profile, but do you live in the United Kingdom? I was wondering why “grey” is spelled the way it is, instead of “gray.”
balancing a pencil, guitar, and paper
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